At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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