No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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