I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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