And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
