Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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