he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
