I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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