last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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