I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just blew my weed a kiss
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
