Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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