Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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