It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
