I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
