how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
