I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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