I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
