Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
