Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
