The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
