I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
