That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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