Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
