I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize