So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
it was like his penis was on wheels.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
