im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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