FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
