He kissed a someone with a penis
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
