Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
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