you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
