The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize