Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
