he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize