I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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