Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
