so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
