and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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