There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
