Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
