can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
