Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
