i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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