recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
