closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
