I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize