woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
