I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
