Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Randomize
