Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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