I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
