please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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