i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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