Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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