you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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