Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
