I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
