last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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